First, click this.
Ladies and gentlemen, something is going to happen this week that I have been waiting for since I was six. As a young lad in elementary school, I loved the ocean. And I don’t mean the beach. The beach is not the ocean. The beach is the land around the ocean. I’m talking under the ocean, baby. Sub-marine. For real. On our honeymoon in Bermuda, I gleefully abandoned my wife to sun herself on the sand while I took to the shallows, scoping out parrotfish, angelfish, and even a barracuda. One of the best memories of my life is scuba diving in the Red Sea, followed by a submarine trip in Hawaii, followed by last week.
As all nautophiles know, the most awesome thing God ever made is the giant squid. I’m pretty sure the giant squid was the first runner-up for inclusion in the Trinity. My argument in favor of theistic evolution: it had to have taken God at least 65 million years to make something this awesome.
The only catch is that nobody had ever seen one alive. “How could this be?” Asked 6-year old Alex. Even to an as yet unphilosophical mind, it seemed a metaphysical waste to be able to observe the most awesome thing ever to exist. Why? Why may I not look upon the squid-than-which-none-greater-may-be-conceived? Marine biologists informed my 6-year old self that architeuthis rex is a notoriously skittish creature, shying away from noise and bright lights. But I knew better. I’d seen 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (95+ times) and knew just how much ass a giant squid could kick if it was so inclined. I knew the real reason we hadn’t seen a giant squid yet. BECAUSE IT DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT. That’s right. Think about it. If you were a 60-foot tentacled monster hanging out in undersea canyons, murdering sperm whales, and shooting out gallons of ink just ’cause you could, would you go say hi to a bunch minute bipeds scooting around in a little submarine? No, I didn’t think so. We are not worthy.
By the way, you are listening to is Christian metal band Tourniquet performing an ode to the giant squid. I feel that it is only appropriate to sound an anthem before I lay this on you.
THEY FILMED A GIANT SQUID. The Japanese did it. Which means they also earn the best ethnicity ever award. No more discussion. They did it last month and they’re airing it on the Discovery Channel THIS WEEK! It’s alive, baby. It’s alive and it’s gonna eat you. (Fortunately it didn’t decide to eat anybody.) BUT IT COULD HAVE!!!! Guys, I’m serious, okay. I have been waiting for this day my. entire. life. It’s a giant squid, all right? Alive. I’m not talking that almost dead one they trawled up last year. No disrespect to that one, I mean, he was sick and about to die and he thought “well, time to go murder a fishing boat.” That’s hardcore. The Bruce Willis of nautical creatures. But this one’s alive, man. I’m so excited.
Oh wait, is the music done? If it is, watch this:
Okay, anyway. The one problem is, I don’t have cable. Umm, so if anybody has cable and wants to invite me over, then you should do so. Otherwise, I’m ordering the DVD, baby! I’ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer. SQUID!!!!!!!!!